make me thinner

fried egg, 1 pc bread, lettuce - 160
golean - 200
yogurt and goji berries - 100
indian food - 800 ? :(
apple - 80

1340

i had my little punctuation / halfway mark of carnival - which was EXCELLENT. i felt good. i looked cute. i had a fantastic time :)

unfortunately since i came back i've been on a bit of a break, so to speak...eating way too much and quitting my workout regime. 1 day off is more than fine. 2 days off should be the limit. 3 days off is bad.

tomorrow i'm getting a morning workout and VOW to eat less than 800 calories during the day. that should put me back on track.

Wednesday - was home sick, but for some reason ate an enormous amount. don't quite recall what it all was, but whatever.

Thursday - home sick. i think i had an omellette? and some carrots and hummus? and soup and a grilled cheese at m's. again, quite a lot of food considering i spent the better part of the day asleep.

Friday (todayy) - very good day! cream of mushroom soup + 1 pc multigrain bread for lunch (~200 cal), part of salmon crepe for dinner (~400). plus vitamins, etc. yay. no workout, still too sick for that, but did do some tracy anderson butt and arm MOVES and i am feeling the fucking burn, man.

when i get sick it's kindof hard to be disciplined, or even be upset at not being disciplined. ohwell. i'm going to attempt to continue to take 'er on easy this weekend so i can hopefully get back into the swing of things next week.

this weekend - NYC. i'm sure i'll be doing plenty of walking there, and i'm sick so i doubt i'll be binge drinking into oblivion. hopefully i'll net out even. and even more hopefully, i won't re-sickify myself. must remember to arm myself with a barage of symptomatic nostrums and preventative stuff. zycam and the like.

oh and scale said 147 today. whatever. eff you scale. you do not reflect reality. i will be content with my weight when my ass and thighs are slimmer, not when i hit a certain number.

http://www.usmagazine.com/madonna-and-gwyn-diet-tips

honestly madonna has been looking a little terrifying lately but gwyn has always been divine. the real proof is tracey anderson's (the trainer) body, which is toned but not manly.

i'm curious about this 'plan' in the article. there is no way in hell i'm fitting a 2 hour workout in 6 days a week, but i could do that diet, and i could exercise, like, an hour 5 days a week...

edit: ha, i just read through that article and 'plan' in greater detail. no shit you will lose 3-5 pounds a week on that diet. that diet is borderline anorexia. get a load of this:
Breakfast
1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
Lunch
2 hard-boiled eggs with 4 to 5 celery sticks and 4 to 5 carrot sticks
Dinner
1 cup penne pasta with ½ cup each of steamed spinach and chopped steamed tomatoes


that is, by my estimates, about 900 calories, if that. 4 to 5 celery sticks? they're really limiting CELERY STICKS?

this is bullshit, i'll lose weight the way i always have - crash dieting and exercising, hah. i can't live that ascetically for that long.

foooods:

-1/2 c steel cut oatmeal - 180
- 2 egg omelette with fakemeat and some almonds - 320
- carrots and cottage cheese - 100
- graham crackers - 240
- honey nut cheerios - 200

TOTES: 1040

exercise - had a great workout! 30 minutes elliptical, burned at least 350 kcal, plus some good arm weights.

read a not-completely-vapid article in bazaar about this woman tracy anderson whose life goal is to give her clients 'teeny tiny dancer body'. it was interesting enough that i'm gonna try to find one of her workout dvds.

also took some 'before' photos...not gonna post them here. i'm at 150. looking at my body - it's not bad. it's not -embarrassing- by any means. i just want to tighten up a little bit before it's all i'm wearing 24/7 at the beach.

i honestly don't think i'm very happy with my life right now.

looking at it objectively - my whole life revolves around my boyfriend. I never thought, in a million years, this would happen to me. It's not in a direct, literal sense. I'm not a trophy wife who cooks and cleans for him all day. But in smaller ways, it becomes apparent this is the case. A typical day for me is - get up (possibly at M's). go to work (with M). after work, 90% of the time hang out either with M or with M&work people. go to sleep - with M. if i lived with him i'd go nuts.

it's not the thing he does wrong - he could go years without doing something -wrong-. it's the right things he DOESN'T do. and it's getting old.

this time last year, i was hopeful, peppy. i was still excited about boston and in the afterglow of having a normal, less hectic life (compared to the insane existence I had in NYC). I don't necessarily want to return to that, but I know I need something to shift. One of the core reasons I moved to Boston was so I'd have more time for myself - more time to be creative, commune with myself. I feel like I have less time like this now.

I feel repressed and unlike myself around most people I hang out with. I am fortunate to have those brief glimpses with friends where I feel truly uninhibited - with Lauren H. at liz's party, when we had secret and intense conversations in liz's bedroom for an hour.

Winter is passing and yet I am still filled with irritability. I'm not self-fulfilled, not at all, and I'm further from that elusive lifelong goal than I was in NYC. I am given to daydreaming about my relationship with Roger. That's certainly not something I could go back to - primarily because of the bridges I callously burned - but his repoire with me was so drastically different than mike's. Roger and I were so similar and knew exactly how the others' head worked, and how to cheer the other up, how to inspire the other... This ultimately was a root of problems for us. I got lazy and would use him for validation, pretending to pout or be self-loathing to manipulate him. disgusting behavior in retrospect, and I hope I've learned from that experience. I know I don't pull that shit with mike, but that could be just because he seems incapable of comforting me in the same way. We are simply not on the same spectrum. This simple fact should lead to some kind of basic, straightforward action: the relationship is scaled back, or broken up. But I never do. The latter is unfair to mike and traumatic for both of us, and the former isn't really an option simply because of the huge amount of time we spend together.


I read this very bleak article the other day. This british scientist, James Lovelock, inventor of the Gaia theory of earth, predicted that basically, we are fucked - that it's too late, and even if every CO2 emitting machine and cow ass on the planet was eliminated today, there is still such irrecoverable damage that most of Europe and America will be a Sahara-like desert by 2050. i have a history of being fascinated by apocalypse oriented stuff. when i was a little kid, I had two things I liked to pretend: 'performer', where i pretended to be a singer like my aunt, and 'subsistence farmer', where i would pretend to be in a dire situation and be forced to survive off the earth. so given that, when i read these doom-predicting articles, I primarily feel validated on some level. it seems to be confirming some deep level of my psyche. the scale of it is unfathomable for me, or something i don't want to spend a lot of time fathoming, but it's enough that i have seriously looked into buying land in canada or alaska.

the point of Lovelock's article is that you should have a life you fucking love every minute of. you should not strive for some trite imitation of a life you think you ought to have to appear trendy, or to impress people you may someday want to befriend, or your family. you should have a life where you do things you feel are important to do. you should have a life where you do things you enjoy doing.

do i enjoy coding rails apps 10 hours a day?
do i enjoy funny but snarky coworkers who remind me every day that adult life is really just a glorified extension of highschool?
do i enjoy a partner who fundamentally does not seem to understand me, nor seems compelled to try to?

the most important thing to me is my family and friends. this much i know. i don't care about being a published author or speaking at conferences. i don't care about being a 'name' on the internet.
i guess that's the problem... i don't care about much.



i need to figure this out.

no morning weight, but after my workout last night i was 147 on the gym scales. neat!

the classes i take at my gym are usually the latest ones offered due to my awesome work schedule - i come in at 10 and leave around 7. as a result the classes are very sparsely attended; last night's had only 3 other girls plus the instructor. two of the girls seemed to be gym buddies and i got to hear some choice bits of conversation in the locker room afterwards.
"my ass jiggles. it JIGGLES!"
"well you know, you're not going to have a girl's body forever. you mature into a woman's body."
"unfortunately!"
"no! you have to embrace!!!! listen, last year I was 100 pounds [100 lbs was clearly not a healthy weight for this girl]. i am trying to get back there."

it continued on, this vapid exchange that I seem to have read in various styles and guises in women's magazines. culture, everywhere, all around us, is trying to instill deep-seated insecurities about our bodies, our *selves*. it angers me so much - but what angers me more is seeing two empty headed girls like those two literally lapping it up and regurgitating what felt like a line-for-line reading from Cosmo or Self. ultimately i feel equally amused and sorry for them.
the point is - we're not victims of culture. we have a choice how to react to our environment. I think it's easier for me to say this because I had growing up what a lot of girls very sadly do not - a very loving home environment fostered by my mother, who truly believes I am extremely beautiful, and as such made me believe it. I'm not 100% comfortable in my own skin (nobody is), but I feel like the effort involved with trying to improve and maintain your body is not necessarily an expression of vanity or insecurity - sometimes, you just want to feel your best. this has been on my mind a bit lately since i just got back from visiting my family for thanksgiving. my mom is like this endless supply of love - always has been, and always will be - and as a result i've never wanted for love.

2 clementines - 50
2 small apples - 160
cottage cheese - 30
curry chicken salad - 380
3/4 a pria bar - 80

intake: 700

TOTALLY HARDCORE total body conditioning class - had to burn at LEAST 300. i would be SHOCKED if i burned less than 350.

total: 350
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NICE ONE MAN.

i'm a little confused how to go about eating in boston. it was so much easier to find low cal options in nyc/home. maybe trader joe salads and soups?

Also, I tried on my two currently owned candidates for holiday party dresses - my beautiful but already-been-seen red dress from 2 years back, and a little cheapie but cute black strapless party dress. i could already see in both my body is snapping back into shape. when i tried on that red dress a few weeks ago, it fit, but it fit a mostly thin, but also lumpy, saggy body. in just a few weeks of cutting my calories and working out, my ass is popping back up into place, my arms are getting more toned...things are going well.

i just need to stay with it for the next 2 weeks! ONLY 2 WEEKS, and then you can relax a little bit.

so far, so good. my parents are not eating at all - my dad is overweight and has been losing weight by 'exercising' (he will do like 5 minutes on his elliptical trainer of slow walking) and fasting (which he actually has been doing - very low carb, 600 calories a day). not the MOST healthy approach to weight loss, but he's lost over 20 pounds this way, so I'm trying to encourage him.

Thanksgiving was really great, actually. Putting aside my family's ridiculous obsession with being appearing to be perfect, it was a really lovely time. I miss my family.

I've been working out every day I've been home and keeping with moderation in food consumption (except with pumpkin pie, of which I have been eating ridiculous mass quantities. oh well.) i can already see things starting to snap back into shape. my abs are coming back. my waist is more defined. my arms seem better too. it's a relief to see that even just a week of doing what I have to do will actually get me back in good shape. there is hope for december 15.


OMG DECEMBER 15TH. that is so soon!!! i'm off to do a workout dvd. PEACE.

2 apples - 200
bits of chocolate - 100
yogurt/cottage cheese - 80
massive sandwich (but no cheese, took some meat off) - 500
2 bowls of cereal - 500? maybe a little less?
i'm probably forgetting another snack - 100

total intake: 1480

gym - burned ~400kcal!

net: 1080 ish

i didn't keep great track of what i ate but i DID get my ass to the gym.

today will be better. it must be better.

worked out - brisk walk to/from the gym (yes i count that), 20 minutes HIIT (200 cal burned) plus stability ball, back pull, russian medicine ball squats... probably ~300 kcal burned

2 apples- 200
tomato soup - 200
brown rice sushi - 300
2 crackers - 100
a few cashews - 80
4 grape leaves - 180
eggplant + meat - 350
pita - 200?

so far: 1610 :p

negi: in the gym today, i noticed my ass is droopy. like, my butt has never been my best feature, but it's never just hung down like that. ugh.
posi: in the gym today, my upper body looked fucking toned and awesome right after all those back exercises.

I will not be discussing Saturday or Sunday as I have little recollection of what I ate and it was all fucking terrible for me.

last night's weight = 149, which could be much much worse.

my jeans feel tight.
also, holy fuck, dunkin donuts donuts are SO BAD for you. 340 calories in a chocolate glazed donut. fuck. i always thought donuts were one of those strange foods that actually were not totally awful, like deceptively good. too bad that is not the case!


today:
1/2 donut - 200
apple - 100
chicken kebab salad - 450
asian pear - 80
random snacks - 120
2 bowls cereal - 500
fresh roll - 180
other snacks - 400

ugh. i don't even want to add that all up...

2030. lame.

whee, excited for the trip this weekend!!!!
morning weight: 146

already started things off on a good foot with a good 28 minutes of cardio, plus some weights - about 300 kcal burned.

and food...
- 2 teensy weensy apple + fat free plain yogurt - 200?
- oily thai tofu+veggies + brown rice - 400? (i only had a few bites of rice, mostly just ate all the veggies and tofu, so nice work with that.)


SO PSYCHED to get out of town tonight!!!

out of some slightly masochistic curiosity, I decided to try on my holiday dress from 2 years ago.

surprisingly - it fit! as in, I could get the zipper up. it was clearly not fitting the same body I had 2 years ago. my belly and butt have fallen and expanded, and i'm puffier all over. so that's the negative. the positive is that - it zipped! i'm not so terribly far off from that body. i just need to tone up.

i had planned on eating something small but healthy for dinner, but then I read this (from my journal 2 years ago, right before when I was able to fit that dress and fit it -well-):

and i quote, "
things have been going pretty well lately.
i'm down 6 pounds since my last weigh in a week ago. that number is still embarassingly high. maybe i'll post it later, maybe not. but, if i stick with my recent progress, things will inevitably go in a good direction. although i haven't really been counting, i've been eating around 500-600 calories a day. i eat a piece of fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch (no dressing, cheese, or croutons thank you), and yogurt around 4-5pm when i start getting hungry again. no dinner. plus, i've worked out every day for the past week. i have until next thursday to lose as much weight as possible. must stay strong.
" endquote.

i'm sure I was exaggerating a bit (or not?) but i do remember being badass about restricting AND working out back then. i'd do 1.5 hours at the gym, or 2 classes in a row. it was hardcore. also I'm SURE my 'embarassingly high' number was nowhere NEAR my current 150+ weight. bleh.


so, revised plan:
-500-1200 kcal a day consumed. no more than 800 TOTAL (with workingout)
-hit the gym 5x a week. this week started on sunday and i didn't go til today, so guess what? you're going every day this week. no bullshit.
-green tea vitamins/pills

i want to lose serious weight. i have to get serious about it.

more days like today (450 kcal consumed, + a workout, 0 kcal net!).

I now weigh 148. this is good. I have lost 7 pounds since the weigh in a few months ago.

my goal is to be 140, and to be strong. i realize that even at my most in-shape, i have always been a 'thin fat person'. i want to be in shape.

i found a photo randomly of me in early 2006, at the height of my obsessive dieting. i was eating 800 calories a day and i felt and looked fabulous. i look SO SKINNY. I just checked this journal and I indeed weighed 138 when that photo was taken.

the good news (maybe?) was that it was RIGHT when i had joined crunch - ie, i was at the height of being out of shape. i feel more powerful and in shape now than i did then, but i'm also carrying a lot more padding around on that powerful frame of mine.

I don't want to be 138 and out of shape. I'd rather be where I am now than where I was then, and I mean that when I say that. I just want to keep trying, keep striving, keep getting better.

yesterday's intake:
brunch - 1 slice french toast + tons of fruit + syrup - prolly like 500 :(
banana - 100
apple - 100
nori strips - 5
1 gingerbread cookie ( i baked!) - 150?

850. not great, not terrible.

Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem has been in my head for going on two weeks.

Sometimes I wish he would find this.

Boston is weird and a little lonely. Maybe this is just what the next level of 'adulthood' feels like? but it's pretty lonely. I can't put my finger on why. I've never really sought out having large groups of friends. Maybe I just feel a little disconnected - or that I don't really have true communication with anyone. I worry about stuff with he and I. there doesn't feel like there's enough between us. I'm less stressed about it in general than a few weeks ago (when I was worrying at such fever pitch I would just start crying immediately if I'd think about it, even at work), but that could be because I'm just getting used to it, tolerating it - and I don't want that to be the case.

I know I'm overanalyzing as usual, but the fact is I feel dampened every day and I want to figure out why so I can stop.

http://www.businesscreditcards.com/bootstrapper/negative-calorie-foods-15-foods-that-actually-burn-more-calories-than-they-contain/

carrots, celery, strawberries, oranges (???)

not sure how much I really buy this, but it does help in picking out snacs.

we are down to the wire here. hah.

wed: ~1000 calories, light workout (timing, bleh)

thurs: 1100 calories, good workout (~800 cals burned)

friday, ~800 calories, ok workout (15 min HIIT, weights)

saturday - hanging out with friends, so i'll have to eat then, but as with tomorrow, let's keep it in control and relatively low carb...and work out hardcore

sunday, day of rest. no workout, no food, shopping :)

monday, ~800 calories, cardio workout w weights

tuesday, ~400 calories, pilates

wednesday, ~200

ok, yesterday was a wash. we're writing that off.

i woke up early today and hit the gym - 300 calories burned. cool.

consumed:
2 apples - 200
1/2 yog - 30
kashi oatmeal - 140
fruit bar - 140
lunch - brown rice avacado sushi, edamame, miso - 400
munchies - 50
dinner - no more than 500

1460 max for the day. that's awesome.

morning weight: 149.

what the shit, body? i had like, MAYBE 1100 calories yesterday, and i worked out (reasonably hardcore!), tons of walking, etc...

oh. my period. great.

so that's wonderful. i just ate an entire fucking burrito. probably like 900 calories. hah.

guess what?! i'm also going to get some chocolate with my afternoon coffee. yes, coffee. i'm going to drink coffee.

my goal is to not go over 1500 today, skip dinner or whatever. right now i feel like total shit, absolutely sick, so working out can suck it. maybe i'll walk home from the farther subway stop (a mile of walking. wooptee fuck.)

today:
apple - 100
banana - 120
burrito - 900
chocolate - 200
cookies - 200
yogurt pretzels - 200

total
1720